Co-parenting can be difficult even under the best of circumstances, but if your ex is vindictive, the need to remain consistently in contact with them – and cooperative with them, to a degree – can feel almost impossible.
As you are almost certainly aware, your vindictive co-parent may try to use your children as pawns, undermine your authority and/or create conflict at every turn. While you may not be able to change their behavior, there are ways that you can more effectively protect your children, reduce stress and limit the likelihood that the courts will ever label you as the irresponsible parent in the relationship.
Easier said than done, but not impossible
One of the first things that you’ll want to focus on is documentation. If your ex makes threats, refuses to follow the parenting schedule or tries to manipulate communication, keep detailed records. Save texts, emails and voicemails. If necessary, keep a journal with dates and descriptions of incidents. This kind of evidence can be important if you need to return to court to modify your custody agreement or request enforcement.
Communication should be brief, businesslike and focused only on the children. Avoid emotional responses, sarcasm or defensiveness. Many co-parents find that using a parenting app or email instead of text messages helps to keep communication organized and less reactive. When one parent tries to provoke the other, silence or a calm, focused reply can prevent the situation from escalating.
If your ex is telling the children negative things about you, resist the urge to retaliate. Children benefit most from having stable, consistent support. Focus on showing them love, respect and reliability. Over time, children tend to recognize which parent is acting in their best interests. Although, if this situation gets out of hand, legal action may be necessary.
To that end, it’s important to understand your legal options. A vindictive parent who routinely violates your custody agreement or engages in harassment may violate a court order. You have the right to speak with a knowledgeable legal team about enforcement measures, including filing a motion to address parenting time interference or seeking a modification of your current custody plan.
